We Can Be Kind. But We Need to be Good.

As parents, it seems we’re in a constant struggle to choose the good when it conflicts with the kind. We may even equate kindness with goodness, thinking that by being kind to our children we’ll make them happy—assuming their happiness is itself a good.

But the idea that happiness is a good, in and of itself, is a fairly modern one. It’s true that in the Bible, happiness is the end goal for humans, but not the kind of happiness we tend to think of when we use the word today. Today, happiness is understood to be a mental state of feeling pleasure. It’s temporary, and it’s based on something that happens to us—a happenstance we experience. Notice the similarity between the words happiness, happening, and happenstance. The root of each is hap, which comes from the Norse word for chance or luck.

Happiness, in the modern sense, is a chance event that gives us a momentary experience of pleasure. Showing kindness almost always produces that kind of experience. But biblical happiness is far different. It’s better characterized by the Greek word eudaimonia than the Norse word hap. Eudaimonia means “good soul” and conveys the idea of being a flourishing person—someone who adds virtue to their character (2 Peter 1:5-7), displays the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), and is being conformed to the image of Jesus (2 Cor. 3:17–18). Such a person is flourishing and happy, but in a much deeper and more meaningful sense than the happiness that comes from a chance event producing a fleeting sense of pleasure.

In our modern world, happiness means feeling good. In the Bible, happiness means being good. But becoming happy in the biblical sense doesn’t usually come from experiencing kindness—it comes from experiencing what is truly good for us.

For example, if a child is afraid of going to the dentist, the kind thing would be to never take them. But that would most definitely not be the good thing for them. The good thing would be to take them to the dentist even though it might cause them stress and fear—the opposite of a pleasurable experience—because the dentist will help ensure their teeth continue to function as they’re supposed to. In other words, it allows their teeth to flourish as teeth, which in turn allows them to flourish as humans.

All of which is to say: when we’re tempted to do the kind thing for our child, we need to ask if it comes at the expense of the good thing. Maybe the kind thing is what’s called for in a given circumstance—but not always. The kind thing is always tempting because it’s easier and probably makes them “happy” in the moment. But it may not be what’s ultimately good for them, and it may detract from their happiness—their flourishing—in the long run.